182 days into Motherhood: Michael Phelps

Have you listened to the comedy stylings of Jim Gaffigan? He is hilarious. Mostly he talks about bacon and the shame/joy of eating fast food. His bit on camping is also amazing. When I was pregnant with Vivian, the above meme was making its way around the universe. (ie: facebook and pinterest and twitter)

He has four (or maybe five?) children. He jokes that his wife has one annually. But as a parent he really hits the nail on the head. And while he is talking about his fourth, I think this applies anytime you add another baby to the family.

It is like drowning. Pregnancy really wipes you out and then BAM! you are handed a baby and sent home from the hospital. You might already have other kids and whether you do or not, for weeks you will be treading water just to survive. Instead of planning and preparing for life, you're just handling each moment as it comes. Its hard not too feel overwhelmed and desperate.

And then something magical happens. One day you realize that you're not just treading water but you're swimming the length of the pool. You're splashing and having fun with your kids. They have their floaties on and you have developed some muscles from all your hard work. Everyone is not just surviving, they are alive.

And you are doing laps like the Michael Phelps of parenting.

And here is a quad shot of a certain cutie who has helped me become a better swimmer...

selfies

When you are pregnant you are discouraged from making big hair changes. I would stretch that past pregnancy well into postpartum too. Your body is not your own, you feel so not like yourself, that making a big change might be regrettable.

I waited the appropriate length of time before chopping off all my nasty, stringy, dry hair. At 31, I am finally ready to embrace having big hair. It might not seem like a big deal but we cut off quite a large chunk and its even shorter in the back.

So long mangy, tangles. Hello gorgeous shiny locks!

I also got new glasses. Plastic frames have always had a hold of my heart. The sales associate said he didn't like them. He tried to get me into checkerboard stems. Maybe it is the obstinate streak that runs through me, but tell me I can't/shouldn't do it and I will want them even more. I don't regret them. In fact, I love them. In your face, sales guy!

And not pictured, I totally fit into one pair of my pre-pregnancy jeans today. Small steps towards getting back into being beckie.

155 days into Motherhood: software upgrade

Did you ever work for a company that was going to update its software? Or worse, get all new programs? I did. There was the usual excitement for the new roll-out. Meetings detailing the changes and salespeople demonstrating the technology that would make our processes smoother. The hype accumulates to one day and the new software goes live.

And its a disaster.

No one remembers what they learned in training. The new features are confusing and different and the learning curve is steep. What was supposed to save time and make us more money just frustrates everyone. Why did we upgrade? Is it even any better? Let's just go back to the old applications.

And then one day, everything just clicks. It really is better this way.

Translate that into adding a kid to your family. Its a family upgrade of sorts. You wanted this (hopefully), planned for it (hopefully) and cooked it in you oven (figuratively). The hype accumulates to one day and the new baby arrives. And its hard. Not a disaster, maybe there are moments that are disasters, but its just all around hard. The learning curve is steep. This new baby is tricky. She is not like her brother, she is not like the books. Let's just go back to how it was when it was perfect.

But then one day, everything clicks. We have learned her cues, developed a little bit of a schedule and have been getting a lot more sleep. And now our family is a better perfect. We're so happy to have this little upgrade.

Picture is months ago when she demanded to be held constantly. High maintenance much?

137 days into Motherhood: Splitting Time with Two

One thing I worried about when Vivian came was finding one on one time for both kids. Henry seemed to monopolize all my time and then thinking about adding another one, geesh. Well it has actually gone smoother than I thought. I find myself naturally carving out time to spend with each of them individually.

With Henry we have been playing lots of games. I have been impressed with his lengthened attention span these days. He can sit and play Sorry with me and finish. He also is getting a lot better at not winning. We have also enjoyed reading more together. He has always loved picture books but recently we have started reading chapter books. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was a huge hit. It has been a great exercise for him, as we read we discuss what is happening. We also start each time by reviewing what we read last time. To celebrate finishing the story we went and each picked out some candies to try and watched the movie together. He fell in love with the movie and talked about in nonstop for days. Oompa Loompa Doompa Di Da! Vivian still naps for the majority of the day so I find I have plenty of time to hang out with my favorite little guy.

Vivian sleeps most of the day but when she is awake--seriously, only for like 1-2 hours at a time--she is pretty content these days. She likes hanging out in her bouncer and being around us in the living room. When Henry is playing or watching tv, I sometimes quietly slip into my room with her and we lay on my bed. She likes being in there. I don't know if its the bright window or its just a little quieter but it seems so soothe her. Now that she is interacting more I love that spending time with her isn't just about feeding her. Vivian likes to be picked up and lifted above me as I lay down. I lift her up and bring her down for a kiss on the cheek. We call this coming down for a kiss landing. She flies around always with the same non-reactive face. Content for her equals happy. Another thing she likes it to have us move her arms and legs around like dancing. My time for playing with her is usually interrupted by Henry who loves joining the party.

I'm already mentally planning how our time will change once Henry is in Pre-K. I will spend hours with Vivian in the morning and then be ready to chat and listen to Henry after he comes home from school. I really want to make sure I am there for him in the afternoon. Obviously I wrote this post before Pre-K started but it all still holds true. I have found that I can continue to give them each one on one time or make our time all together meaningful. It helps that Henry is super interested in Vivian and is not jealous or resentful in any way.

128 days into Motherhood: hair loss

If you've ever been pregnant, you know the joy of long, strong, lush, thick hair. I don't know the science behind it (excess protein?) but having lovely nails and hair is one of the perks of pregnancy. I like to think of it as a gift from Mother Nature--girls have to stick together, right? Well imagine my surprise last time when handfuls of my hair started falling out in the shower. Nothing good lasts, I guess. Sigh. So this time I was ready for it to happen and it never did. My hair stayed nicely in place and my ponytail had never been thicker.

Then Vivian turned four months and one day in the shower I was horrified to see a huge wad of hair in my hand as I was shampooing. Not just a few strands but a thick coil. A lock of hair. I quickly gathered it and stuck it to the wall. Then I got another handful. Seriously I wanted to take a picture of how much hair I lost in that one shower. Hairball city. And not only was it A LOT of hair, it was all over my hands and took forever to get off.

Since then I have been shedding like crazy. If I wear my hair down, which is pretty rare, then I have hair all over me. Its all over the house. Its all over Viv, we have found it tangled on her fingers and in her neck rolls. There was also a strand stuck to the sweaty milk jug on the way home from the grocery store.

Vivian has also been struggling with hair loss. She officially has a bald spot from laying down in her bouncer or being in her car seat. I kind of want to trim the dark fringe under it so it doesn't look so bad. She's still cute even though it is ridiculous.

Self Discovery Through Writing

First off, thanks everyone for your kind comments, Amens! and responses to my last blog post. Actually thank you dear readers for all your support throughout my pregnancy and postpartum too. I rarely respond but I appreciate every one of you who shared a similar story or just sent a hug my way.

I saw this beautiful image on Pinterest and the quote really hit home. Not only did the quote totally sum up how I have been feeling of late but I am a sucker for peacock feathers.

Lately I have been so grateful for this outlet here to share my thoughts and feelings. Its not just the sharing but the time and effort I take to gather my thoughts and really delve into why I feel the way I do. Once I type it up, edit it and send it out into the world, I have a huge weight off my back. Its done. That last post I have been running through my mind for weeks. I am glad that I waited a little bit to type it up but now that it is out there, I haven't thought about it since.

I have processed the event and now can move past it. When I go back and read what I have written I am proud of the declarations I have made. I love hearing my voice as I read whether I am trying to be entertaining or sort things out.

Right now I have terrible new mommy insomnia. What is that, you ask? Well its something I made up but it has been happening for weeks. Vivian has started sleeping for longer stretches sometimes 6-8 hours once she is down for the night. If I can get a good chunk of rest (meaning I don't stay up too late partying) then when I wake up to feed her I have a hard time getting back to sleep. Its frustrating because I am exhausted but my mind is wide awake. What is it wide awake doing from 3:20-4:30 am? Composing all that is happening in my life into blog posts. I kid you not. Or dreaming up new pillow cover designs. Or planning a new approach to my business. Or mentally creating never ending to-do lists.

Since I don't have a personal journal, I have found that all my energy in capturing my life is being funneled into making blog posts. Even in the middle of the night. But as big of a drag it is to be mentally blogging in the wee small hours of the morning, I guess that is how I am getting the therapy I need. Writing down my thoughts makes them real. Its a valid way for me to face life head on. So my words of advice would be to find a way to write out what you are going through. Start a journal, type up a blog, send an email to a friend or even to yourself. Even if you don't share it with anyone, it will truly improve your life. But for your sanity, avoid middle of the night blogging...

Picture courtesy of here, check out the others from this chalkboard art project.

42 days into Motherhood: darkness

So I have dragged my feet in posting this because its an emotional subject but I can't get it out of my mind. Its also dated back to the 42nd day after Vivian was born because that is when it all went down.

The internet is an interesting space. I often question what I am seeing portrayed and its something Steve have discussed at length, what kind of person are you on the internet? When there is an anonymity to your presence in a space, are you being your best self? Are you only showing your best self to your friends? What is not being said? If you've ever lurked around controversial topics online and taken a gander into the comment section, you'll see people behaving completely different than what they might do face to face with someone. Facebook is full of what people want their friends to see. Instagram has filters. Its a self editing that I find totally normal in a way and yet, its not. Of course, I am not going to post any unflattering pictures of myself here. Its second nature to hide what we don't like. What we don't want others to see.

That being said let me tell you some dark things about motherhood.

The day Vivian turned seven weeks, a Sunday we had a terribly rough day. She was fussy all through church and I found myself walking the halls bouncing a very unsettled baby for hours. I kept getting helpful comments about how "oh, my baby had colic too..." It only added to my frustration as this was really the first time Viv had been difficult and Henry had never done anything like that. She would not be comforted. I got the kids home and Steve stayed to do clerk duties. She managed small cat naps throughout the afternoon but I could see her becoming more and more tired. My fatigue grew too. All evening she was wailing. Not crying or whimpering but wailing. Whether we were holding her or not, it didn't matter. She was inconsolable. We took turns holding her, bouncing her, singing and all to no avail.

After what seemed like hours, she was sleeping quietly in her rock and play. I asked Steve how he was. He said fine. Seriously? I told him I was not fine. I then proceeded to unload all the stress of the day. With tears streaming down my face I admitted to just how hard this was for me. Why did we have another kid?

Emotional upheaval. Stress City.

Why are we afraid to openly emote or admit when things are not going well? I hate being weak and out of control. I don't want people to see me that way. The emotional, hormonal mess of postpartum truly is a run away roller coaster. A roller coaster you didn't even realize you were on and then suddenly you are off and you are just trying to fasten your seat belt before getting thrown clear. To a normally stable person, its terrifying.

And to add to the mess, we try and hide what we are experiencing. I didn't want to be someone people felt they had to tiptoe around. Or someone who seemed to not even like their baby. Or to have people think I had postpartum depression. (Actually I took the quiz at my 6 week check up appointment and passed. I was even brutally honest and I was fine which just goes to show how crazy you can be and its just normal.) Its a shame because depression is very real and should be treated, not hidden away. Motherhood is very real and not only the positive side should be shared. One day when my parent's were here, I was supposed to be napping but I was really just laying in bed crying. For no reason. I wasn't thinking about anything sad. I was just sobbing into my pillow for an hour. And then I tried to hide it with makeup.

What really scares me about day 42 and my emotional breakdown is how I now sympathize with a whole new group of people. Those people who shake their babies. Those women who run an errand and simply never come back home. As I was holding this tiny bundle of screams, I could see how those things could happen. I didn't feel like I would do those things but I understood. I understand now and that terrifies me because it is dark.  

Since then things have calmed down, it truly was her worst day. She has had rough moments but nothing like that day. And as grateful as I am she is in our family, I have had the darkest minutes and hours of my life since she came. Motherhood is hard. Anyone who tells you that its all wonderful and beautiful is a liar. And here is how we come full circle to what is being portrayed. Often what our friends are posting online isn't the whole truth. No one wants to admit that they just let their baby cry in her crib for thirty minutes while hiding in the kitchen binge eating frozen cookie dough balls out of the freezer because they couldn't handle another minute of their child crying in their face. Who admits that? Me. And if we only see the glorious, sun-soaked minutes of others while our life is cloudy and humid, then what is wrong with us? Nothing.

Nothing is wrong with me. I'm not depressed. I just had a baby and I can feel whatever emotion I feel.

75 days into Motherhood: the best room in the house

The bathroom. 

I bet you weren't guessing that. Here is why as a mother of two in a two bedroom apartment, our master bathroom is the BEST room in the house. 

1. When I need an escape from everything, I just head in there with a book or my phone. I lock the door, do my business and then just sit around until little hands try the knob, pound on the door or appear under the crack. If Steve is home I have been known to disappear for up to thirty minutes in my cave of solitude. 
2. Showering. Vivian loves to hang out in her bouncer while I shower. I guess the sound and steam are soothing. Sometimes she even falls asleep. I know Henry is entertained with the Lego Movie or something else in the living room and can count on at least 15-20 minutes of alone time. If he needs me, he knows where to find me. 
3. Vivian's mini sleeping room. Since she is sharing a room with Henry, it just doesn't make sense for her to nap in there while he is running around living life. So she naps in the bathroom in her bouncer in the dark. It works brilliantly and she is so used to it that often times when I put her in there, kiss her good night and close the door she falls right to sleep. At night she gets a bath, a feeding and then is swaddled up for the night. We put her in the bathroom because sometimes she cries herself to sleep and I am not willing to have Henry wake up. Once she is asleep we carefully transfer her to their room. Done and done. 

We're making it work. 

As I am typing this, I realize I should be a lot nicer to my favorite room and clean it. But there is usually a baby asleep inside so I won't sweat it...

62 days into Motherhood: back at the gym

One thing I loved about being pregnant this time around was working out up until I was 32 weeks. Once the blood pressure fiasco got under way I froze my gym membership and put my feet up to relax. And while sitting around re-watching dozens of episodes of Grey's Anatomy has been a blast, I am happy to be back at the gym. I am not quite ready to overhaul my diet yet but I am loving my first day exercising again.

I took it easy because my expectations were pretty slim. Thirty minutes of light weight lifting (like 7's) and toning and then walking a mile (I jogged for like 4 minutes and then slowed down). I was sweaty and sore and tired and so HAPPY.

I forgot about the mental clarity that comes when staring straight ahead on a treadmill. The bliss of being alone and doing something solely for you. A time when my body is mine. And only mine.

Vivian: Two months

Here are some things about Vivian at two months:

She loves baths! Absolutely loves them. To help her with a nighttime routine, she has a bath each night something we never did with Henry. She likes warm almost hot water and she loves when you pour it over her with a cup and not just trickle it on her with a wash cloth. If she is cranky, a bath is the perfect solution. 

Big brown eyes!

We started her sleeping in Henry's room at 7 weeks. So far it is going well once she is asleep. It is hard for us to get her down for the night, she still struggles from 8-11 pm but its getting better. Kind of. I actually love having her in there as I was tired of her being in our room. She wakes 1-2 times per night and seems to sleep just fine in her crib. The first night Henry woke up when she cried and stayed up when she woke up at 5:30 am! But the next night he slept right on through the night again. 

 A funny story from a few weeks ago. Once I was back at church, it was time the lead the music again in sacrament meeting. Well I was leading the closing hymn and I heard what sounded like a really wet fart. I glanced at Steve and he was smiling and holding Vivian a little away from himself. I heard another one and Steve started laughing. It was Vivian! And I could hear her from the stand. She would continue to poop throughout the closing prayer. I was trying not to laugh and failing miserably. On the plus side, she didn't have a blow out. 

 Henry inevitably crashes each photo shoot with Vivian. I am lucky to get shots of her without him sticking his head in, 

luckily he has a cute head. 

 She is getting so strong at holding her head up. Not so much with tummy time since she doesn't seem interested in doing anything but laying there. When we hold her up into a sitting position, she likes to look around and uses her neck muscles. She's a pretty curious and observant baby, she likes to see whats going on. 

We call her Viv and Vivi. Other nicknames are Lady and Pretty Vivi. 

 Smiles!

Smiling is her new trick. Steve gets the best smiles from her by making goofy sounds.

She is a lot more fun these days and she can react to us more.  

Henry continues to be very fond of her and easily distracted by her. Its cute how he talks about her. One day Steve was going to run an errand and he took Henry with him. As they were leaving, Henry said, "The boys are going and the girls are staying home!" 

She's getting really close to cooing. 

I love baby chatter. 

Her squawking cry is kind of funny until she really gets going. 

Her official stats from the doctor:

Weight 10 lbs 13 oz

Height 23"

Head 37 cm

She continues to be on the small size 10-25% for weight and head and 50-75% for height. 

She is a pretty good companion and has successfully sat through three movies and is happy sleeping in her stroller or her carseat. She doesn't like the bright, bright sun which makes the splash pad and pool tricky but she can stick it out long enough for Henry to have fun. 

So far she likes her binky but not like Henry loved his. 

35 days into Motherhood: state secrets

Unrelated picture of Vivian and I at my friend Chelsea's baby shower. I just thought it was so cute!

I don't think I have ever been this tired. Not in my whole life. When Vivian turned one month I got an email from a friend asking how I was doing since at one month the baby high is wearing off and the hormones are still leveling out and you are dogged tired.

She was spot on.

I have heard things about sleep deprivation torture. Being kept awake until you're insane and a danger and reckless enough to crumble under the pressure. If I was ever captured and tortured for information, I would totally give up everything I knew over sleep deprivation. For a small dark space, with a soft bed and a door that locked from the inside, I would tell all. Everything. Sorry America, you have nothing on the mental stability of a new mom.

And I know she isn't intentionally devious...but I swear she can tell when I have walked away from her bassinet at night. She can hear me sit on the bed, the rustle of sheets and bedding, the slower rhythmic breathing of sleep and then she decides to let loose and cry. Just as I am drifting off, she is letting me know that she is not drifting off.

Sigh.

I have literally been so tired that I have cried as I laid down to take a nap. Tears of fatigue and joy mix to only minimally wet my pillow before I drift off to sleep.

Vivian: One Month

At one month, Vivian has been a wonderful and sweet addition to our family. 

She now weighs 8 lbs 9.5 oz and is 21.5" long. 

She is 25% for weight, 50% for height and her head is 10%.

I never said anything on here about how we came up with her name. I have loved the name Vivian ever since Angelina Jolie named her daughter Vivian. It just caught my eye and I have always liked it. Its feminine but not frilly. Its just reminds me of a beautiful and strong woman. I love that it sounds like vivid, vivacious and vital or full of life. Its also kind of old fashioned or a glamorous movie star. 

And I never mentioned any other name to Steve so when she was born, it was the only option :)

Marcela is a name that Steve came home with. Its also a variation of my grandpa's name Marcelo. And since it went great with Vivian, we loved it.  

Here are some of the things we know about her so far:

• When she gets mad, she gets really red. Like super red. She is already pretty pink, a nice rosy color when she is sleeping or happy and then it only gets red from there. Actually I am happy that I opted for less pink in her wardrobe because when she wears pinks pjs, she is all one color. 
• She doesn't like to be tickled.
• At one month, she suddenly got very loud. Her crying used to be more whiny but now it is full out screaming. 
• She can roll her tongue, something she got from Steve. Both Henry and I cannot. 
• She has been sleeping up to 5-6 hours for her first night shift which is a HUGE blessing. But not always and sometimes she wakes up and refuses to go back to sleep. 
• She hates sleeping in her crib. She loves sleeping in the rock and play and in our arms.
• To get her to sleep, Steve holds her against his chest. It really calms her down.
• She seems to have a witching hour from 8-11 pm and refuses to go to sleep. 
• She likes to be free to move her arms and legs around and she already has increased strength in her kicking. She also really likes for us to do bicycle legs with her and move her arms about as if dancing. 
• She has spit up in 4 weeks more than Henry has in his whole life. Luckily I made a ton of burp cloths for Henry that are practically still brand new. 
• She doesn't seem to care about singing when she's sleepy.
• Swaddling helps her calm down unless she is already too upset and then it just makes her mad. 

28 days into Motherhood: Can't catch a break

It was 7:06 am and I was stumbling back into bed after hours of being awake and trying to get Vivian back to sleep, hoping to get a few more minutes of sleep for myself when Henry ran into the room. "Its morning time!" I found myself muttering, "Man, I can't catch a break." This seems to be the theme of our first month of parenthood.

Day 11: I start to feel a little sick to my stomach, the kind of sick you hope goes away after a trip to the bathroom. The kind of sick you hope is just related to overeating or something you ate. After going to the bathroom, I head out to Bunco with Vivian in tow. We stop and pick up Chelsea and I feel fine. During dinner I start to feel sick again and one of my fears is realized, I have to go to the bathroom and I am NOT at home. There is always a small paralyzing fear accompanied by going #2 in public or in someone's home. Its something we would all wish to avoid. Its loud, messy and smelly; something better reserved for our own personal toilets. Well, diarrhea waits for no one. Once done, I decide it is time to head home before I am too weak to drive or I throw up or have another explosive episode. I feed Vivian, say good night and thankfully make it home before anything dire happens. The next twelve hours are spent in a perpetually weak state laying in bed or hovering near the toilet. I have a bug that would eventually run its course through most of Athens and its a killer. Too weak to really leave my bed, Steve brings Vivian to me for feedings and I semi-lay/sit propped up in bed by pillows. My favorite part of the night is when Steve went to help Henry fall back asleep and I was left to drag Vivian's rock and play into the bathroom so I could rock her to sleep while sitting on the toilet. Yuck. Its also fun to try and change a diaper with zero energy. Luckily it passed by mid morning and I was up and about again that day.

Day 19: The kids and I try our hand at going to Sandy Creek Beach. Everything goes well and we have a great time in the sun. Its tiring sitting in the hot afternoon and I immediately fall asleep on the couch when we get home. After my nap I get up to prepare for babysitting that evening and realize I can't stand up straight and my back is killing me. I somehow threw my back out. Talk about feeling old. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before so I am at odds as to what to do. Should we go to the doctor? Should I pump myself full of drugs? I take some ibuprofen and it does nothing. Over the course of the next four hours I become more and more limited in my movements due to intense pain. I can't sit up straight, I can barely walk and I am even uncomfortable laying down. It is the closest I have ever come to going to the doctor for a non-wellness check up.
The real fun begins when we go to bed. I have to slowly sit on the side of the bed and then in one swift painful motion, roll my legs up and over. It hurts so bad to move that I am literally counting down before each movement. A mental preparation: "I'll move in 3..2..1..." but mostly I can't even follow through with the planned movement. Now I get to breastfeed my baby. Again I rely on Steve to bring her to me and I sit, hunched over with one leg tucked under me and one leg dangling off the side of the bed, the only semi-comfortable position I can get myself into. During the night, Henry wakes up and Steve goes to be with him. Guess who else wakes up? I lay in bed knowing that I need to get across the room to her but imagining how I am going to do it, terrifies me. I rally myself and try to stand up. Leaning against the bed I am able to step with my right foot and then have to drag my left foot to move. When I reach the end of the bed I can't make it without support so I have to kneel and crawl/drag myself to her bassinet. Miraculously I can lift her out and place her on the ground. Since I can't sit down and I can barely hold her, I kind of hover over her and lean my chest into her mouth. Seriously, its funny thinking about now but at the time it sucked. When she is done eating, I have to call Steve to rescue us from the ground. Thankfully Henry stayed asleep for the rest of the night so Steve could continue to help me.
Luckily the next morning, Steve brought home serious back pain medicine and within 30 minutes I am walking around and soothing my back with ice packs. Do you know what the best ice pack is? The packs that come with your breast pump. Also another humorous incident was trying to get into the shower without putting any weight on my right side. My back incident took me out of commission for a couple of days and I am still sore over a week later but I can move and sit and carry my baby again.

Day 28: Steve wakes up with pink eye and is forbidden to touch the baby. I'm flying solo with her and crossing my fingers no one else gets infected. And Vivian decides its the best day to get a cold.

26 days into Motherhood: a normal day

Vivian and her friend Harper chilling at the beach!

Today I had the most normal day I have had in months. I guess I didn't realize how out f it I was until this day happened.

It all started with Vivian sleeping two four hour stretches in the night. Consecutive hours are bliss. I woke up and fed her at 5:45 and then headed off to seminary. It was the last day of the school year and I went for the breakfast party and to finish out the school year. I hadn't been to seminary since Viv was born and I was actually surprised at how much energy I had. I was in charge of the breakfast casserole which I had assembled the night before and it turned out delicious. Only a few students came and the bishopric but I had fun chatting and joking with them and I realized I had missed that energy and spirit that comes from working with the youth.
After seminary I planned on coming home and going back to bed but I felt fine. I started putting together our stuff for the beach and even worked on a Star Wars bed skirt for Henry. Getting two children out of the house by myself is a little harder than I thought it would be but with a little preparation anything is possible. Also starting way earlier than you think you might need to helps, I am determined to be on time as much as possible. In fact, we were only 10 minutes later than I wanted to be at the beach. I was even able to cry through the season finale of Grey's Anatomy before leaving.

I saw this brilliant thing on pinterest to help your baby sleep on the beach. You dig a hole in the sand, long and narrow like a cradle, then you set your towel over it and place your baby in this "nest" of sorts. It totally worked--after a couple of reswaddling-escape attempts on her part. The hole puts the baby in the cooler sand and worked perfectly under our shade tent. Pinterest for the win!

We went to the beach with lots of friends which made it much easier for me. I had figured out how to get all our stuff down to the sand in one trip by using the stroller and having Henry carry his beach toys. Then I set up our sun shade with minimal help--it had been over a year since I had used it--tucked Vivian inside and we spent almost three hours there. We ate lunch, Henry swam and ran around with friends and played in the sand. I had prepared and bought Henry the best floaties so I wouldn't have to worry about him as much and with all the other moms around, it turned into a breeze. Getting out of there was a little trickier but easily managed with the other moms and I drove away feeling pretty great about being able to handle both kids.
Steve and I also managed to go on a date with Vivian as our neighbor was kind enough to watch Henry for a couple of hours. We ate pizza and gelato, chatted and walked around Target. It was nice to be out and practically alone.

So this day has given me a glimpse of what our life can be like, what it will be like once we find our routine and rhythm. And the normal-ness of it gives me hope. Not that our days have been bad but this was just a good day. Simply a good day

15 Days into Motherhood: Winter's Soldier

When my parents were here, Steve and I escaped for a date to see the new Captain America movie. I pumped some milk, kissed the kids good bye, grabbed my popcorn bucket and we headed out.

The theater was empty when we walked in. Matinees aren't super popular here especially on a Monday.

A man came into the theater and sat right behind us.

In my mind I think, why would someone sit right behind us in a completely empty theater? Its not something I would do. Then I start to panic. Why would he sit behind us? We're all alone. What if no one else comes in? Its just the random guy and us. And no one else is going to come in this theater for at least two hours. That's plenty of time for him to kill us and have time to escape. (Seriously, I realize this is insane!) Suddenly I am racked with fear. I imagine him slitting our throats or shooting us and we would have no way to escape. Even if we tried to run, theater rows aren't conducive to a quick getaway. Maybe one of us could get to the exit... If we screamed, would anyone hear it? The volume is so loud.

Now I realize the man behind us hasn't moved at all since he sat down. Not even fidgeting. Is he prepping his move, is he gearing up to get us?

I am so afraid that I am literally sweating and barely moving myself. Poised for an attack. I think of our two kids. Home with my parents. How would they find them? How would they let them know we were dead? Our Henry and our sweet baby Vivian, all alone.

As these thoughts are racing through my mind, two women come into the theater and sit in front of us. And then some other people come and sit in the back of the theater. We're safe.

Eventually I relax and thoroughly enjoy the movie. I can only imagine that this paralyzing fear was a result of unbalanced postpartum hormones. And at the time it was so real. So very real.

Vivian: Snapshots

 Here are some pictures from my phone of Vivian in her first month.

Remember how I made all those clothes? Well I now have a baby to wear them. 

Vivian rocking an orange tunic dress.

 Henry loving on his sister

 Hola. 

 Nighttime snuggles with Daddy. Love how her mouth and face squishes. 

 Escape Artist. 

 Circle Skirt and Tiny Bow. This is the appropriate sized bow for a newborn.

 Mixing patterns. Florals and stripes. 

Bright neon coral bow

10 days into Motherhood: lift up the floodgates

I love when they grab your shirt when nursing. Look at that sweet arm. 

 The second time around has had lots of surprisingly easy adjustments. As I already mentioned, bathing and dressing your baby is much easier and fortunately so has nursing.

Vivian is a champ nurser! In the beginning she was so sleepy that we were literally waking her to get her to eat every two hours. Waking a lethargic baby is quite funny. Pretty much we would just start stripping off her clothes until she got cold and woke up. Or I would just place her alone on the bed--you know, laying next to me until she would startle herself awake. And once she would latch on she would quickly fall back asleep. It was a little bit of a challenge keeping her awake to eat. She needed to gain weight too and that is why we had to be diligent. Since she lost 10 ounces after birth and was done to 6 lbs 6 ozs, we had to fatten her up. Once she started gaining and was back up to birth weight we could be a little more lenient on her sleeping.

Naturally we have gotten into a routine. Its crazy how all of a sudden you have a little routine going. She usually eats now about every 2-3 hours during the day and goes sometimes up to 6 hours at night but its more like 4-5 hours. And she is a super efficient little sucker usually emptying one side in 6-8 minutes.

Baby Mickey is hungry too. 

Since this is my second baby they told me my milk would probably come in faster than the first time. On day four it came in like a flood. Poor Vivian hated my engorged chest and I had to pump before feeding her. Thank goodness for breast pumps! My chest was sore for days but I feel like my body reached equilibrium a lot faster than last time. There is a balance between how much she eats and how full your chest gets. I feel like last time I was sore for longer and my body just couldn't figure out how much milk Henry needed. This time is better and I feel like my chest is almost too empty but she is gaining weight so everything must be okay.

One thing I didn't expect was how painful it would be to get hugs from Henry when my milk came in. Ouch. Four year olds can be aggressive with their hugs. And it can hurt if taken unaware.

Now that we're one month in we have a nice rhythm going especially at night. Before bed I gather all the supplies we'll need for the night and bring them into our room. For now she is sleeping in our room in a rock and play. I get enough diapers and wipes for the night and something to change her on. I also refill my hospital water bottle with lots of ice water--I wake up so hot and sweaty. I make sure to have a hair tie on the night stand to throw my hair up at feeding time--again I am so hot. We go to bed super early. Sometimes we start prepping for bed around 9:00 pm and sometimes its later. Vivian tends to be her most awake in the evening so sometimes it takes us until 11:00 to get her to sleep. Right now she is waking up 1-2 times per night. I feed her on one side, burp her, change her and then feed her on the other side. More burping and a swaddling redo and we're ready for bed again. If she doesn't want to go back to sleep, I try and hand her off to Steve but sometimes let her sleep on my chest as I sleep.

Overall I have been really impressed with breastfeeding again this time. I love spending that time with her and she has made it an easy transition for me. Except sometimes she tries and eats her hand--I try and tell her there is no milk in there but she doesn't listen.

And now for a few recommendations:
Last time I bought two nursing bras because I am cheap. But it didn't really make a lot of sense when you think about how you will wear them for an entire year--so don't hesitate to buy a few, nice ones. This time I stocked up on some extra ones and have fallen in love with this one from Target. Its a comfort, soft bra which means no underwire, there are two side wires for support and shape. I haven't ventured out of the house (besides to exercise) in a soft bra since I was like 14. This is beyond comfy and reminds me of a nursing tank but without the additional layer of wearing a tank. Its convenient for extra support while lounging around the house and I have worn it with looser tops out of the house. I would highly recommend it.
I am also loving Lansinoh Breast Pads and our boppy and the new cover.
I was looking for a new breast pump since my last one died while I was at girls camp. I wanted one but didn't need such a heavy duty one as a medela as I won't be working. I opted for the Evenflo Deluxe Double Electric Pump.  Tt is way more affordable than the medelas. I love it. It works really well for my purposes: just pumping enough to go out occasionally without my baby. The only negative is its kind of loud but thats not really a big deal. Is there anything that makes you feel more like a dairy cow than pumping with a double pump? Thanks to my wonderful friends who got it for me at my baby shower!

7 days into Motherhood: You were the first

My mom was able to change her flight and come the Tuesday after Vivian was born. She had originally planned on coming around my 39th week in case I was induced early. Hooray for Gramma who showed up and pretty much got to work taking care of all of us. She grocery shopped, cleaned and showed genuine interest in all Henry's super heroes and star wars characters. She ran interference with him in the night and helped entertain him for days. She also cooked meals and insisted on daily naps for Steve and I.

While I was prepping for baby #2 to arrive, I would ask friends what the hardest part about going from one to two kids was. Most often the response had something to do with emotionally being at ease with having a new child while making sure your first kid was happy and their needs were being met. Since Henry is four years old and very capable of understanding what a new baby means, I wasn't that worried about him not "getting it." I was more concerned about him acting out in response to the new baby and not towards her.

A few weeks before Vivian was born I sent Steve to the library to check out a stack of books on becoming a big brother. Thanks Megan for blogging some great recommendations. Some of the books told about what a new baby can do--pretty much nothing--and how being a big brother is awesome. Being bigger means you can do things like run and eat pizza (seriously, pizza eating was in almost all of them) and you will need to teach your new sibling how to do all these amazing things. There were also a couple of books with real pictures (not illustrations) of families taking care of their babies. I wanted Henry to see what breastfeeding looked like since I would be feeding the new baby.

One book You Were The First was my absolute favorite and it arrived after Vivian was born. Just to preface, I am not an overly emotional person in normal, non-pregnant life when it comes to this kind of stuff. I can read I'll Love You Forever without crying. In fact that book creeps me out--the old lady climbing in her son's window? Sick. But reading this book to Henry only days after Vivian was born turned me into an emotional mess. Not only is the artwork wonderful but the story goes through all the firsts of the first child. You were the first to sleep in the bassinet, you were the first to laugh. In the end, there might a second or a third child but you will always be the first. As I was reading to Henry, I was literally covered in tears. Poor kid, he had no idea what to make of it. Even now as I type I am tearing up.

I thought I would share a couple of recent pictures of Henry to accompany this post. Here he is with a huge tower that Steve and Grandpa helped him build.

Henry received lots of new super hero and star wars figures. Apparently becoming a big brother means getting lots of new toys :)

This story totally epitomizes how I have been feeling the past few days. Even as we were dropping Henry off on our way to the hospital, I was watching him walk into our friend's house and I realized our lives would never be the same. I was sitting in the car and I could see his little, poufy-haired head against the lighted doorway. He was holding his pillow and he just obediently walked inside. I started crying knowing that it would never be just me and him again. And as excited as I was and am to have a new baby in our family, it was sad. Steve got back in the car, saw I was crying and told me everything would be alright. He assumed I was worried about being in labor. I told him I was sad about Henry and I don't remember if he responded but the feelings were fleeting as everything else progressed.

The first few days home I was excited to be able to interact with Henry again. After weeks of laying on the couch it was nice to play with him on the floor. I had missed being involved with games and his action figures and even just being in his room.

Henry's first horseback ride! A lollipop and a horse? Heaven.

 One time I went in when he woke up just a few hours after bedtime. He was sweaty and crying so I assume he had had a nightmare. I got him back into bed and started singing to him. He fell asleep almost immediately but kept singing to him. I was singing songs that I had sung to him as a baby and I was just crying. Couldn't stop myself. I even had to wipe my nose and eyes on the edge of his sheet! Oh hormonal emotions!

Talk about a wonderful birthday party, Henry loved Eve's My Little Pony Party.

I have had other moments where I was just overwhelmed by sadness when it comes to him. Its almost like a nostalgic feeling. Its the end of an era. And while these changes are wonderful and we are so happy to have Vivian, I feel like a mourning for the loss of what was is a natural thing. Putting these thoughts down has been difficult for me and that is why it has taken so long and why I am so far behind on blogging. I actually have lots of other posts ready to go but I wanted to have everything in order. Just typing these feelings has been very helpful especially since I am doing it retrospectively and most of these emotions have passed. But I wanted to have them jotted down so I can remember.

Next up, breastfeeding!

Henry: Big Brother Extraordinaire

So far Henry has been an excellent big brother. His initial disinterest in the hospital slowly melted away and he became more and more intrigued by Vivian.

• On the way home from the hospital he exclaimed "Hey, there's four people in the car!" 
• He loves to sing primary songs to her and it actually helps calm her down. She likes "I am a Child of God" and "I Love to See the Temple."  It doesn't really help her when he screams them in her face but we're learning all about personal space. 
• He calls her "the baby" or "my baby." 
• He is a really great helper and will bring me whatever I need for her like new blankets, her binky and wipes. 
• Sometimes his enthusiasm is a little too loving. He really likes to get right in her face which I think startles her. He also can get aggressive with his loving caresses. We often have to remind him to be gentle and back off a bit. 
• She is super distracting to him when he should be focused on eating or during scriptures and prayers. Instead of eating the foods he doesn't want to eat he is hovering over her. Instead of listening to the scriptures he is touching her head.
• Speaking of no personal space, he also coughs all over her and touches her with snotty fingers. We try and tell him to stop but he is four years old and the doctor said its really not that big of a deal.
• He has mastered baby talk. And says funny things like "she's so tiny" and "she's so cute."
• He likes to hold her with the pillow but quickly changes his mind if she starts crying. 
• After one month of having her here, I asked Henry what he liked most about the baby. He said: I like to watch her. Kind of creepy.