So I have dragged my feet in posting this because its an emotional subject but I can't get it out of my mind. Its also dated back to the 42nd day after Vivian was born because that is when it all went down.
The internet is an interesting space. I often question what I am seeing portrayed and its something Steve have discussed at length, what kind of person are you on the internet? When there is an anonymity to your presence in a space, are you being your best self? Are you only showing your best self to your friends? What is not being said? If you've ever lurked around controversial topics online and taken a gander into the comment section, you'll see people behaving completely different than what they might do face to face with someone. Facebook is full of what people want their friends to see. Instagram has filters. Its a self editing that I find totally normal in a way and yet, its not. Of course, I am not going to post any unflattering pictures of myself here. Its second nature to hide what we don't like. What we don't want others to see.
That being said let me tell you some dark things about motherhood.
The day Vivian turned seven weeks, a Sunday we had a terribly rough day. She was fussy all through church and I found myself walking the halls bouncing a very unsettled baby for hours. I kept getting helpful comments about how "oh, my baby had colic too..." It only added to my frustration as this was really the first time Viv had been difficult and Henry had never done anything like that. She would not be comforted. I got the kids home and Steve stayed to do clerk duties. She managed small cat naps throughout the afternoon but I could see her becoming more and more tired. My fatigue grew too. All evening she was wailing. Not crying or whimpering but wailing. Whether we were holding her or not, it didn't matter. She was inconsolable. We took turns holding her, bouncing her, singing and all to no avail.
After what seemed like hours, she was sleeping quietly in her rock and play. I asked Steve how he was. He said fine. Seriously? I told him I was not fine. I then proceeded to unload all the stress of the day. With tears streaming down my face I admitted to just how hard this was for me. Why did we have another kid?
Emotional upheaval. Stress City.
Why are we afraid to openly emote or admit when things are not going well? I hate being weak and out of control. I don't want people to see me that way. The emotional, hormonal mess of postpartum truly is a run away roller coaster. A roller coaster you didn't even realize you were on and then suddenly you are off and you are just trying to fasten your seat belt before getting thrown clear. To a normally stable person, its terrifying.
And to add to the mess, we try and hide what we are experiencing. I didn't want to be someone people felt they had to tiptoe around. Or someone who seemed to not even like their baby. Or to have people think I had postpartum depression. (Actually I took the quiz at my 6 week check up appointment and passed. I was even brutally honest and I was fine which just goes to show how crazy you can be and its just normal.) Its a shame because depression is very real and should be treated, not hidden away. Motherhood is very real and not only the positive side should be shared. One day when my parent's were here, I was supposed to be napping but I was really just laying in bed crying. For no reason. I wasn't thinking about anything sad. I was just sobbing into my pillow for an hour. And then I tried to hide it with makeup.
What really scares me about day 42 and my emotional breakdown is how I now sympathize with a whole new group of people. Those people who shake their babies. Those women who run an errand and simply never come back home. As I was holding this tiny bundle of screams, I could see how those things could happen. I didn't feel like I would do those things but I understood. I understand now and that terrifies me because it is dark.
Since then things have calmed down, it truly was her worst day. She has had rough moments but nothing like that day. And as grateful as I am she is in our family, I have had the darkest minutes and hours of my life since she came. Motherhood is hard. Anyone who tells you that its all wonderful and beautiful is a liar. And here is how we come full circle to what is being portrayed. Often what our friends are posting online isn't the whole truth. No one wants to admit that they just let their baby cry in her crib for thirty minutes while hiding in the kitchen binge eating frozen cookie dough balls out of the freezer because they couldn't handle another minute of their child crying in their face. Who admits that? Me. And if we only see the glorious, sun-soaked minutes of others while our life is cloudy and humid, then what is wrong with us? Nothing.
Nothing is wrong with me. I'm not depressed. I just had a baby and I can feel whatever emotion I feel.
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8 comments:
Thank you. Loves.
I have never had a child, but I do know something about rough patches. Like you, I have a very healthy self-concept and know my strengths well. I also know my weaknesses and, instead of being defeated them, just consider them part of what makes me interesting—at least, I hope they make me interesting!--and as human as anyone else. However, every so often a situation will come along that completely shatters my confidence and fills me with overwhelming doubt. I’ll remain in my rut for a while, but then remember the positive things I’ve done and eventually I’m fine. I also spend time with my husband, who always seems to love me no matter what.
When confident, accomplished women, in particular, doubt the decisions they’ve made or the actions they’ve taken, they are REALLY filled with doubt because a lack of self-confidence is so alien to their being. You are an amazing mother who is going to be a terrific role model to your daughter. There’s no need to cry in your room alone when there are so many people who love and admire you. Share your doubts about yourself and they will vanish.
Love you.
Motherhood is the hardest thing I've ever done. I can so relate. Thanks for sharing Beckie.
it's true. I never admitted it with J, but with M I flat out told people I felt like crap and to give me my space. i admitted I needed to drop my kids off at a friends. it does suck and I hope many moms read this and know that there is nothing wrong with them to feel like crap. Babies are great but also a terror at times.
Oh Beckie, I know how you feel. Those times a baby cries and can't be comforted are an absolute nightmare. Nothing drives me nuts more than nonstop screaming in my face. That's how they torture people, right? That and sleep deprivation. Miserable. I've felt this way sometimes. And then you feel totally normal again, because hormones are insane!!! I can also see how people lose it and shake babies. Of course we'd never even consider doing it, but you see how they can flip out, because how much can a person take? That's why it's great to know when you've hit the end of your patience, and you need to just put the baby down and have a break from the insanity. I've yelled at Noah, especially if they're both screaming at the same time. And you're right, people who say it was all pleasant are either lying or forgetting. Thanks for sharing because we've all totally been there.
Been there many times! Love ya!!
I literally just googled "how long do baby blues last?" yesterday. It is so true how whacked our emotions are postpartum and how long it can last. And sometimes it feels good to just cry. Even if you don't know why. I keep thinking back to my baby blues with eve. For some reason, I thought this time would be easier but it wasn't. I, too, hate feeling weak or getting sympathy from others which makes it easier to hide those darker moments of our lives, but I wish I had documented it better with eve so I could reference it now.
So true!! I am so happy with my kids now that they are older, I love being a mom (not that they don't have their own hard times when they are older) but when they are babies it is so so hard! I 100% think its because of horomones that makes it even harder. I feel like that all the time when I have a baby. But I want more kids when they are older, so what do I do? I am honestly scared to death to have a baby again! I know I will feel like this, but having taken a long break I think it will be easier than the last two because I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel now!! Once they are potty trained, I love it! This whole post seemed like normal baby parenthood to me!
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